


Something Completely Different

by mithrel



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Blanket Permission, Crack, Gen, Humor, Monty Python, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:37:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mithrel/pseuds/mithrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the c_f prompt: Star Trek (TOS or Reboot), Kirk/McCoy, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE">I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!!</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Completely Different

Everything was normal when they beamed down to the planet…no hostile life forms, no mysterious disease outbreaks. He was sure there was a catch.

And, sure enough, when they go to lunch in the local version of a tavern, the menu leaves something to be desired.

“What do you have?” Jim asks, with his trademark charming grin.

“Egg and bacon,” the waitress (who’s not exactly easy on the eyes) starts, “egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam–”

“ _Spam?!_ ” McCoy interrupts her, horrified.

“Processed meat,” she says.

“I _know_ what it is! I just didn’t think it had invaded other planets!”

“Relax, Bones,” Kirk says. He turns back to the waitress. “You were saying?”

“Yes. Egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, eggs, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam…”

“Have you got anything without spam?” McCoy interrupts.

“Well, spam, eggs, sausage and spam, that’s not got much spam in it.”

“I don’t want any spam!” McCoy complains. He wonders if it’s just this tavern that seems to have been infested. He’d eaten nothing but processed food during medical school, and the mess food isn’t much better. He’s sick of it.

“Why can’t he have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?”

“That’s got spam in it!” McCoy snaps at him.

“Not as much as spam, eggs, sausage and spam,” Jim points out.

“Could I just have egg, bacon and sausage without the spam?” McCoy asks with faint hope.

The waitress makes a face. “Ugh!”

“What do you mean ‘ugh!’? I don’t like spam!”

Suddenly some of the locals, who’ve evidently had too much to drink, start to sing, “Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spammity-spam, wonderful spaaaam!

“Shut up!” the waitress screeches, and they subside with a last questioning “Spam?”

“You can’t have egg, bacon, sausage and spam without the spam!” She glowers formidably at McCoy.

He’s not backing down. “Why not?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?”

“I DON’T LIKE SPAM!” McCoy repeats.

“Bones,” Jim whispers. “Don’t make a scene. I’ll eat your spam.”

McCoy grimaces at Jim as he continues, “I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam!”

“Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!” the locals start up again.

“Shut up!” the waitress repeats. “We’re all out of baked beans.”

“Can I have spam instead?” Jim asks with, McCoy thinks, entirely too much enthusiasm.

“You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam?” she asks as the locals start up again.

“Yes!” Jim says, and the waitress makes a face again.

“I’ll just have the chicken, please,” McCoy mutters into the table.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Something Completely Different](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2764130) by [VeegiDawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeegiDawn/pseuds/VeegiDawn)




End file.
